Does facing conflict communication lead you to feeling like lightening is about to strike?
It doesn’t have to be that way. There are so many ways to communicate that are not scary or confronting. The most challenging part is to remember it is not about winning. That need to win can sometimes be the crux of the issue. If you are engaging in a dialogue with the intent of winning, controlling, changing the other person’s mind, then, yes, it is a confrontation and it is scary. This type of communication is about having power over someone else. Is that what you really want?
Perhaps, if you think instead, that communication is about communing. Communication comes from the Latin meaning ‘to share’. A dialogue is about 2 or more people who “take part in a conversation or discussion to resolve a problem”. As you can understand from these examples, a conversation that is about sharing or jointly problem solving together is not about power over someone else or about winning a fight or argument. What is the cliche`? “You can be right or you can be in a relationship.”
This is a totally different way of thinking about talking with someone. It is about sharing what you are thinking and feeling and listening to what the other person is saying. As you create this type of dialogue between you, you can grow in understanding and even love for each other.
It is a well know fact that when two or more people are engaged in an event, each of them has a different view of what is happening or what is said. We all look, feel and partake in activities from our own person emotional lens. To assume the other person is seeing and/or feeling what you are is a huge misnomer. If you can keep this in mind when wanting to ‘confront’ someone about something, you will find the conversation can go in a completely different direction.
Let’s take a few examples. Partner A says: “Did you take out the trash?” This may sound like a completely neutral question. However, depending on Partner B’s life state at that moment, the question can be heard in any number of intricate and complex ways. Partner B may hear or interpret Partner A’s comment in any of the following ways: 1) You are so lazy, did you take out the trash yet? 2) Why do I always have to remind you? Did you take out the trash yet? 3) I don’t trust you to hold up your end of the relationship. Did you even take out the trash? 4) Did you take out the trash? Cuz if you didn’t, I know it means you don’t really love me. 5) I feel used by you and your not taking out the trash is yet another indication that you do.
There are a myriad number of possibilities. I’m sure you and your partner have your own variation on this or similar topic and have lived through the blow up fight that may ensue.
What can you do about this?
If you can remember that what you say is not always what the other person hears, and vise versa, then you can begin any “confronting” conversation with a gentle invitation to discuss the matter. Remember voice tone is an important addition.
Begin with some type of soft inviting question like: “I’m wondering what you were thinking when I asked you if you had taken out the trash?”
It is more helpful to inquire into the other person rather than demand they understand what you meant. “I didn’t say that!” is not helpful. We can never go back and hash out what exactly was said verbatim because both of you will have different memories of the event. Neither of you and both of you are correct in your memory because it is not what is said but how it was interpreted and intended.
If you have any specific questions or situations in which you and another person or persons find yourselves stuck, please feel free to write me at harmoniousheartcounseling@gmail.com. I am more than happy to help mediate any situation.